Monday's

Today has been an emotional roller coaster, I have way to many of those lately!! My kids were out of school, which I don't mind its fun having the home, when they get along. My morning with smoothly no probs, I might I even admit I was happy. I got Benny a little later on and he was a perfect angel of course, I love spending time with him. But this afternoon, i started getting that horrible, anxiety, emptiness, hopeless feeling that I seem to get way to often!! No reason why I just do, maybe I am broken!! It really sucks to have it all and not be able to enjoy it, I don't mean my life is perfect but its pretty damn good. Thats why I can't make sense of this crap I go through!! I tried all afternoon not to cry, to just pretend to be happy. Thats what I want to do, my kids and hubby deserve so much more, but by the time I  picked John up from the mechanics I was on my last thread!! I started to bawl my eyes out, and tried to explain it to him. He has experienced this before so he was very understanding, I feel a little better, but I hope tommorrow is better. It totaly freaks me out because I know this is how my mom felt before her illness took over, it scares me to think I could have what she had!! I am going to keep track of these days and see if there is a pattern and then maybe I can find some help!! Sorry not a happy blog today but probably by next week I will be feeling better and then I write something happy!!